| What's Been Going On |
[25 Jul 2004|09:18pm] |
Everyone please stop calling phone, and threatening my Mother. Also don't leave any mean or hateful comments towards her either, if you plan on leaving any comments, keep them directed towards me and me only.
Alright, well as I hear it, most everyone in one way or another has heard about how I packed up and moved out Thursday. The craziest thing about moving out, was loving the feeling I really didn't have a plan, they kept my car, they took my phone, I had barely any money, but still not being scared about anything bad coming my way. My mind was kind of at ease... The only thing that I didn't like, was not having my phone and the numbers in it, because it was my way of keeping in touch with everyone, so that was the only sad part of it all, but I knew I had to get over it, get a new phone, and move on, so I was trying.
I didn't plan to be gone forever, I just need time... space... to myself, to kind of get my head on straight for awhile, clear my mind I guess. All this letting me go out on my own happened, because once again, I was hanging out with Donnie, which everyone in the world knows my parents hate, and time and time again I get in trouble for, but I still decide to go back again and again.
Friday came, I did my call check in with Dad, and he told me he needed to talk with me, and he was coming to pick me up, so I was like alright... I already knew what this had to do with... Everyone in my family had now pretty much found out everything about me, by reading this journal, which we all know I write everything, perhaps too much, but in the end this is probably a good thing, because now that everything is out in the open about me... friends, drug use, eating disorders, everything I have ever written, now is out... the fact that it never was, at least to my parents is why I never cooperated with coucneling sessions, how could I possinly say anything when I thought the chance of doing these things would get back to my parents, so I just never talked, and if I did, it was nothing talk, where everything I said was just something stupid to pass time by. Now that everything is out there, I am at the point where I can finally get help for myself, cuz for the first time in my life I am ready to talk about things, well talk to people who I can get help from... I always said that it has to come down to the point where you can only get help for yourself if you want to, and that's where I am, so now it's time to get better, and it's time to stop being such a fuck up, and finally get on the right road... so only time can tell, and I think everything is going to be ok, and I can get better. At this point I don't expect anyone to trusty me and take my word on that, I can only say I mean in now, and since actions speak louder than words, that will prove in the end that I got the help I needed, and I can turn out... "normal."
Now besides me, onto my Mom... man, everything she's read in here, which I am not going to deny anything I have said or felt or wrote, because obviously at the time I meant it. Whether one wants to believe or not, I do love my Mom, I really do... I know at this point, she is still going to believe I hate her, hate her more than anything, but it's not the case at all... sure we have our rough times and fights, but a big part of it has to do with me... if I was stronger, and less sensitive, and less self hating, I could handle stupid comments that she says, when they really maybe were said and should have been brushed off just like that, but I magnified it a million times more. Problems I have with myself, and feel about myself, make me take things, and my head makes it worse that what it really was... my self loathing makes negative remarks into something that makes me feel like I should just die over, when I needed to grow up, realize it something that needs to just be forgotten, cuz in the end, maybe it wasn't that bad in the first place, ya know? I'm a baby, a wuss, and I need to grow up. Also the fact I had a ton of other stuff going on that they didn't know about, made me feel even less understood, and I had the attitude of, "you don't know me, you don't understand me, and never will" which in the end only makes me get worse and worse, and make mistake after mistake... I can't say I wont ever make a mistake again, cuz I will, christ I'm a human being and we all make mistakes... but now that I am willing to talk about things, and am on my way to getting help and talking about my problems with someone, I think it's going to help my relationships with family memebers better, and hopefully I learn to show more respect to people within my household (this includes my sisters house too). Momma, I really truly am sorry, I don't expect you to take my word, to trust me, or to believe me, but I hope one day I can make it up to you and show you by actions how much you really mean to me.
To my little bro Tony, man oh man, I don't think there is anything I can really say to say how bad I feel that I am slowly day by day destroying your life and freedoms, my mistakes cost you... I know they cost me, but I don't care about that, because when you fuck up you should be punished and get what you deserve, but you never deserved to have to get restrictions, and whatever else came with me fucking up over and over again... You were always the good kid, I'm sorry I couldn't be someone you could really look up to... if you get anything out of me, learn from me by not fucking up as much as I did, and not do dumbass things, and make stupid decisions like I have... I love you Tony, keep working hard and doing everything like you are and you're gonna go far... don't ever become the screw up I turned in to.
At this point, I don't really know what I want to do... I know I do for once, actually want to get help, and fix the mess of a self I am right now other than that, I am just looking forward to school starting so I have something positive to keep me occupied, I look forward to training with Bob again so I can play softball in the fall... as for the moving out plans... they are always changing, so for that, I guess all I really can say is we shall see...
My phone still does not belong to me, so don't call it because you wont be able to contact me, when I get it back I will contact people that it is once again my property lol, which hopefully one day it will be again.
|
|
| I Absolutely Disgust Myself |
[20 Jul 2004|07:06pm] |
Ok, another option reading for those who are sick of my shit: ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) owed. You may have to scroll down a little to find it. It's about going back on the 70-80 calorie diet. Otherwise skip it and continue reading.
Sheila left me this not last night, but the night before when I snuck out, haha you crack me up...
Sheila: YOU'Z A HOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a nice day love! :-D
So we go to the beer league game yesterday right, and after it was over I run into Danielle, and something funny I she told me, well you know, you can be wasted and think you knew everything, well shit, there's alot of things I don't remember I guess. First off, note to self, when with someones brother, do not go up to the older sister and say, "hey, we're gonna bang!" hahahaha, also, listen to this pick-up line, "hey, how old are you?"... "17."... "Great, you're my type!" Something like that... and the funny thing is, that night the thing that kept going through my head is that I wasn't gonna do anything with this kid in the first place, but some of the shit you can say and do that I hear is funny... Ok, that probably just made it sound like I ended up doing stuff, cuz I never did, so go me! Haha. But thanks Danielle for the nice little informative on me being an asshole hahahahaha. Besides who the hell wants to waste their time with someone their own age, pssshhh... haha, NOT ME!! LMAO!! I'm like sooo not into same age thing hahaha.
Ok, so I went to bed last night and still slept til 6 this afternoon, damn, waste of a day or what. I was supposed to go jog hunting with Donnie today, but it's moved to Thursday now. It's gonna be halirious if we can actually find a place where we both can work together, the rents will have no idea, haha.
This morning my Mom was at my sisters, as usual, and she calls here to tell me to let the dogs out or something, then she goes hey, I just watched this special on ecstasy, and she said something about how they said that it lowers your blood sugar and people who don't know they're diabetic will just sit there and eat tubs and tubs of ice cream. This is something I did for weeks while I was grounded, no joke I would literally sit there and eat a whole tub in one sitting, yuck. Also convenient that diabetes rubs in my family, so gaaah, let's hope I don't have that lol. Who knows if this whole thing is true or not, as far as I knew I thought it just lowered your Sodium levels, but whateve.
As for now, I must go clean my room, keep up laundry, and make my way towards doing Carmen... peace.
|
|
| I just don't give a fuuuuuuuck! |
[18 Jul 2004|11:15pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Our Lady Peace - Do You Like It |
] |
Yeah, I think I forgot to mention how my Mom and sister think I tried to kill myself because of my wrist "wound", which I already explain why I did it anyway, but by no means was it a suicide attempt of any kind... just a feeling angry needing comfort so I'm going to dig my wrist with my nails type thing... which may not make sense to most people, but yeah, it makes you feel, and it helps... but it's only the councelor/therapy days when I'm mad enough to feel the need to. Anyway, so my Mom everyday since she saw it, asks me to show her my wrists, which is annoying, cuz I'm fine, but today, after she asked me to show her, she said "and hey, whatever you did to your wrist, you better not do it again" I'm liek ummm ok, and think about it, even though that was a chosen spot to do, and it's most convenient to do in front of people without them knowing, like in my councelor's office, when her and my parents are sitting right there, and have absolutely no idea I do it the whole time anyway, so whateve, besides, there are plenty of places you could think of to do it if you needed to, so it's kind of like ok, let's lay off the wrists, though I don't know if it will give the same "comfort" factor... oh well, we shall see.
So yesterday was the absolute best day of my life I think lol. Went to Sheila's, alllll the way out in Utica and stayed the night. Party hard right. Haha, I got a six pack of those Smirnoff Twisted Raspberry things, then I had 3 of Lindsey's Smirnoff Ice, then after that it was beer til about 8 AM lol. Man, it was a goooood time, shit it was a FUCKING GOOD TIME!! I love gettign wasted, and it was great because I haven't been able to since New Years, and the fact you know they are not going to drive all the way to Utica to check on you, it's like ok, let's booze it up! CHEERS!! lol. So it was a mega good time. I don't really feel like writing a detailed thing, so I will leave it at how great it was!! Sheila your family is the absolute best!! I had a fucking blast, ohhh man!!
It's funny, I fuck up time and time again, over and over, and I just get off grounding and of course, why not do something stupid like get wasted haha, I crack myself up sometimes, I do dumb shit all the time, and it's like I just don't give a fuck, cuz well, I guess I really just don't give a fuck. Not only just with drinking, but other things like everytime I go out I am always with at least one person I am not aloud to be out with, ha, oh well... who fucking cares, like I say all the time, I'm Nikki Linares and I DO WHAT I WANT!
Alright, let's keep this entry short, I have to go shower, and be ready quarter to 6 for work. G'nite ya'll.
|
|
| Fabulous |
[17 Jul 2004|01:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Thinking... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Our Lady Peace - Not Enough |
] |
Let's just start off by saying, ungrounding absolutely rocks.
One of the reasons I absolutely love my best friend, Brandon Anthony Blanton!
Brandon: "her" means you (nikki linares, hottest girl alive, love of my life, sexy animal, sex queen)
I love you to death! ♥ ♥ ♥
I am going to be aloud to hang out with The Crew again. After banning me from Donnie and Raidl, which obviously played a HUGE part in my on and off depression these past years, I believe they are no banning me from The Crew cuz I'm sure they know I cannot handle being banned for more people I am closer than ever with. They are making us have this "meeting" over my house, where we all talk, and something along the lines of proving why we are such good friends, and why we need eachother. As much as I know how much I love The Crew, and how I need them, I am not ones with putting how I feel or what I mean into words, I end up with "it's like, uhh... I don't know... ya know... like ok... it's like... uhh I don't know" on and on, and I babble like an idiot, about everything, so I hope I can make sense of something and what they mean to me, cuz I really need them. To The Crew... I love you. ♥ I miss being with you guys every day. I don't know how this little break will have on The Crew, or if everything will be the same, and the fact don't do drugs anymore, we are going to have to see... hopefully everything will always be as wonderful as it always was... which should be just fine anyway, cuz we were really around eachother more off drugs than on, so YAY! lol.
Today couldn't have possibly been more fab. Ok so Donnie called twice, and I missed it, and I can't call him back in my own household so I was like omg how sad, because the past two days I've been out I called him, so then he calls me today and it's like ahhh I can't even call him back, sad sad, I know, but there is a happy ending lol. So Steph want to hang, so of course I say of course! On the way to call her I gave Bodacious Broome back a phone call. Plans change and we now have an added bonus to the hang out today. I pick up Steph first, then we go over and get Donnie, YAY! We drove around for a bit, saw some of The Crew (the crew that works for my Dad, not my beloved Crew), we got Timmy Ho's, drove, went to the mall - on the way here me and Donnie decided it is only necessary me and him try to find a job together lol, so we wernt on a search, but we didn't have enough time at all, so we are going to continue our search next week, took Donnie for a hair cut, then were rushing to get Donnie and Steph home before I had to get to work, and of course, we go to go the fast way and take 75, and of course, TRAFFIC JAM! lol, go figure, so by time I got him home and Steph, I was running late, plus the fact my shirt was still in the washer for work, oh man it was crazy, and I was even later to work then my normal late-ness.
For the first time in history, Notorious B.I.G.'s Hypnotize comes on, most of you don't know the story behind this, it's a 6th grade inside joke, back in the days when I hated Donnie with a passion, crazy how you can go from absolutely hating someone's guts, then going to the point you would die without them, if he ever died, I swear I would literally want to kill myself, it really would be that tough to handle. Oh yeah, so he used to sing that song to me all the time, only instead of "Biggie Biggie Biggie can't you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me..." it was "Nikki Nikki Nikki can't you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me..." hahaha, crazy fucker, I LOVE YOU!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ Anyway, back to the song, so it came on in the car, and it was sooo exciting because as funny as this song is to us, and how funny the meaning behind all of it, and here it is, on the radio in my car, like whoa... we were totally stoked, lmao.
You know, for the record, if it wasn't for my Mom, Me, Donnie, and Bean, wouldn't be so damn fucked up, mainly by being fucked up, it's mostly an emotional deal with us, which I write about myself and my Mom alot in here, but as for their business with the beef between them and my Mom, I will let it rest at what I know, and leave it at something that is left for you to find out, which most of you wont know most the shit I know, no spreading it all over the internet lol... so yeah, let's just leave it at that... and how exciting it is that soon, only months away to us all living together and becoming sane.
While Donnie was getting his hair buzzed, we see a familiar face, JOE POWERS, haha, exciting right lol, so anyway, since that time on the phone he said we should hang out, I was like sweet for sure, buuut I totally go busted and got grounded, now I'm not, and we run into Joe, so to make it convenient I got his number from him, and I said I'd call him sometime, haha Joe's a cool dude fa sho!
At the mall we ran into Zack, ha, how fucking crazy... "Dirty Surfer" like no way. We exchanged 2-ways and mobile numbers, so woop woop haha.
So today was fun as fuck! Weeeeeeee!
Lastly, I am cleaning my room like whoa, I have about 5/6 bags of clothes, a bag of shoes, and a shit load of more shit coming, we are supposed to be getting shit ready for this garage sale we are goingto be having, but the whole time while cleaning what I have in mind is, ok, we need to eliminate as much stuff as possible so when I need to get ready for the move (with Donnie and Bean) I am already a step ahead of myself and it's that much easier to do. I am no where near being done, when I get time I work on it, so I will do that until it's complete. Only months left til freedom... oh man I can't wait!!! Bean and Donnie... I love you guys!! ♥ Can't wait til we can finally be togther like we all want and need to be.
|
|
| Wanna Get Dirrty!! |
[15 Jul 2004|11:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 horny |
] |
Grand evening out with Ryan and Stephanie. I believe Texas Roadhouse is the devil! Them and there devilish foods, haha, fucking tempting! Damnit! Oh well, overall it wasn't too bad, me and Ryan split everything that was we wouldn't over-eat so I am going to try not to worry about it lol. You know, just for the record, when you already feel erotic and you're in the mood to just bang the shit out of someone, then you hang out with Steph, you end up feeling a million more times the freak-a-leak you did before you left the house haha, me and her really need to stop discussing the cock. Haha, Steph I love you gal!
I could bump to #3 on the You Got Served soundtrack for the rest of my life, it's called Take It To The Floor by B2K! Kinky man, waaay kinky! Well not really, but it's one of those songs that makes me want to bang bang bang!! Haha!! Ohhhhh yeah!! ;) Ok, I need to like de-horndog myself immediately!
Also, Em W. just send this to me on an IM and I thought it was nice.
Emily: i meant to comment this in your journal, but I keep forgetting. anyways, this is what i meant to say-
nikki, your are gorgeous. and i think that you shouldnt be so hard on yourself, thinking that you have a weight problem, when you dont. and as for being grounded, i know how that goes, and just keep your head up, think about the days when you will be out of that house, and remember that it cant rain all the time. <3
Thanks again gal! ♥
Ryan, I can't wait til Saturday with you!! YAAAAAAAY!! I love you!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
Oh yeah, and my Mom bought me 3 pairs of super cute pants today! Yay! The ones I am wearing now, they were 70 bucks, and I went upstairs and tried em on, and I come downstairs with these other pants and am like, uhh, Mom, can I make 'em as short as these... so she let me snipperoo the bottoms off to how I wanted them!! Fabulous, absolutely fabulous... umm, anyway, my point being... I love them! :-D
|
|
| Bitch Ass Mother Fucker |
[15 Jul 2004|02:34am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Joe Budden - Pump It Up |
] |
Got a half an hour of sleep at the most today before having to get up at 6 for work... yuck, and it was a long ass day, you know how the more tired you are the longer everything seems, well that was today, and it was all cleaning and moving furniture and stuff, so poop. I stole a pair of my brother panrs again today haha, I did a Britney inspired outfit, with the dude jeans, and boxers and everything haha.
The councelor was fucking terrible, I feel like the whole time I am going to punch through a window... could have been worse, it could have been an alone session, so whateve. The whole time again I did the digging my wrist thing, it's wierd, cuz it hurrts but at the same time it's comforting. I can't explain it. I always leave that place wanting to kill myself, but on the plus side of things, I only have to go once a month now, so that's like 3 more times before I move the fuck out, yaaaaaaay! That from once a week, not too shabby hehe.
Chose to read or not to read about my binging and purging here: owed... You may have to scroll down and find it.
Does anyone watch The Assistant? Haha, omg, Andy Dick fucking cracks me up! "it's elimination time bitches!" Man, oh man! I loove it!
Ok, I just took this, and I absolutely love this girl!!! Funny, me and her were just talking about how I need to go there (NY) so me and get can straight up party hardcore! lol.
My Best Friend is ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) acidburn987 | | Our 10 common interests are: alcohol, coke, concerts, dancing, drinking, drugs, movies, music, stars, writing | Who is your best friend?
| | Created by macoto |
( List with all the people on my friends list of how many interest I matched with each, interesting lol )
|
|
| We Can Take It To The Floor! |
[13 Jul 2004|10:16pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
B2K - Take It To The Floor |
] |
Today was the Lady Jags reunion at The Faletti's, yaaaaaay! Haha. We got our stats, Mega White Champs patch, and us graduates got a gift bag from the team, how cute! Gotta love my gals! ♥ Ha, and how funny, I just asked how Jimmy was doing a few days ago, and BAM, he was there, woop woop, haha, he cracks me up, it's funny to throw random unexpected lines at him, it makes me laugh, good times.
After that me and Steph drove around and for the most part did nothing, but it's fun as usual lol. One stop involved getting the You Got Served soundtrack, which is good, however, I am dissappointed that the like main song of the whole movie isn't on there, the one that is like "pump, pump, pump it up!" shit and the other one that is like "you don't know now, but you gonna find out!"... damnit, what the fuck, haha, oh well, I am still enjoying the CD anyway. It's always most fun with Steph in the car jammin', you my girl for life, weeeeeeee! Haha.
The rents gave me til 9 to stay out today, hooray, so the ungrounding process has started, when I got home Mom said how she is letting me start by being out during the day, which is totally cool with me! A start is better than nothing.
I got Saturday off, which Charlie didn't sound too happy about, buuut oh well cuz I had to get it off. Work should be alright this week. Thursday Red Fawn @ 1, Friday early morning (6-7-ish) til probably like 4-5 somewhere, then Red Fawn afterwards at like 6 or something, I forget what he said, but it was either 6 or 6:30. Then Saturday is to Sheila's in Utica til Sunday, then Red Fawn work at like 5 or 5:30, I can't remember either, damn, I am just such a good listener when it comes to my hours, geez... oh well.
I give you the option of clicking this so you can either read it or not, since most people are sick of the whole "eating disorder" or "Ana/Mia" thing with me, so if you want to read about it the go to owed
|
|
| Leg Warmers Rock! |
[13 Jul 2004|01:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ying Yang Twins - What's Happening |
] |
Anyone find it strange that I am wearing leg warmers right now? Haha, cuz I am, no joke. Love them 80's! :-D
Haha this made me laugh. Just gotta love that Sara McGuire! ♥
PapeR MickeY: iiii get to see you tomorrow ms linares :).
So I am super stoked about the end of the year softball party! Yaaaaaaaaay! Can't wait to see everyone! Yaaaaaaaaaay!
I don't work til Wednesday.
As for this prison, I think they are letting me off grounding soon! I can't freaking wait. Mom said she hates seeing me sitting in the house all the time, and how it's summer yadda yadda. I accept I made a mistake, but damn I can't wait to be ungrounded haha.
I'm on the phone right now, but after that I will probably go downstairs, write some songs, or parts of them anyway, since I am yet to create a single song lol.
Man, I hate that my entries are boring as shit, like mega boring, they are short and boring, haha, I need to get out and get a life, for real! Til then...
|
|
| Dillio |
[12 Jul 2004|01:34am] |
|
Starting Monday... "it's called self control."
I got to hang with Brandon for the extra half an hour I had to myself today before I had to be home. YAAAAAAAY!
Biggest thing, parents are actually letting me stay the night at Sheila's, all the way out in Utica on Saturday... only obstacle... getting Saturday off from work... I must have it off!
I have tomorrow off work, sweet.
Looking forward to Tuesday.
Later.
|
|
| Need Sleep |
[10 Jul 2004|04:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 I'm Gonna Pass Out |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pearl Jam - Wishlist |
] |
Man, I just did a looong ass private entry, so confused about certain things, and it only makes sense it is not something to be publicized, for more reasons than I could even begin to explain.
Today I used an eating free bee day. That means gym tomorrow, well I gues since it's 4 AM that means today, so today I am going to the gym, for 2 hours minimum, 3 hours is the necessary amount of time though.
Shit, that entry made me wore out, and I forget everything I meant to say here.
I am so fucking tired anyway, I've almost hit the being up for 24 hours mark.
I guess mainly I look forward to Emily's party, which I believe they are letting me go to, then the end of the year softball party which they are for sure letting me go, then they are going to talk about Sheila's party, which I so hope I can attend as well... other than that, my life don't consist of looking forward to much.
Time for bed, I can't stay up any longer, I really can't, I passed out just a bit ago and my bro woke me up to get off his bed and told me I can use the computer, so here I am about to keel over, and barely able to type straight... so g'nite.
|
|
| MK |
[08 Jul 2004|10:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise |
] |
Yeah, so my Mom and sister like to call me Mary Kate now... ha ha... aren't they funny.
One thing that is kind of funny is when me and my sister are by eachother my sister refers to us as Mary Kate and Fatsly... which is kind of funny lol.
IN regards to something about yesterday, the more I think about stuff, the more I just get pissed, and ever since before I left today my mood has just went downhill, when I got home and was doing the paperwork stuff for my Dad, I was on the verge of tears about it. I get emotional easy, I don't really remember eveything I was thinking about, it started with the one specific thing, then it turned into a bunch of things, and I just wanted to ball my eyes out... oh well... can't make myself be happy about anything so no need to even bother trying.
Tomorrow is going to be hell. Get up and be ready by 6:30 to leave, we'll be working til about 5:30, then from that I get to shower, get ready, and got to work again at 7, and it's supposed to be a looong night, so we wont get out til past 1 sometime... blah.
|
|
| Slow Like Honey, Heavy with Mood. |
[08 Jul 2004|06:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Fiona Apple - Slow Like Honey |
] |
So I am aloud to go to the end of the year softball party, I am like beyond excited, there just aint better people than the gals on the softball team, I absolutely love them, and I can't wait! I asked today, I was all like umm, ok, well... haha then asked, and she was like ok, that's fine, I was like hell yeah, sweet fucking shit!
Ya know how I said from now on you guys wont have to read about my whack ass "diets" and what not, and posted to a community instead, well shit, not even 2 minutes after I posted it I get someone IMing me, telling me they aren't in the community any how, which means they can't post comments in it, so they were going to respond to me directly, she gave me a huge as lecture, paragraph by paragrah, so I'm sitting here reading all this crap, well I guess it's not crap when she's right over the things I do, her and the "healthy way" and me and my wrong "eating disorder way", but she just kept on, it was nuts, either way, I was just like whoa whoa, cuz when I don't know people and they hop on my case, I get a little overwhelmed like WHOA. Besides I'm not even close to being as crazy and obsessive like I was earlier this year, so at least I can kind of look at that as an improvement I guess, and I never really thought of anything so much as an eating disorder, who knows, maybe I'm wrong, whatever it is, is fast and effective, so that's why I go on my extremes, but I don't know, just thought that was crazy yesterday, someone telling me the right things, someone I don't know, over someone who is a friend of mine, I mean nothing is wrong with concern, just from friends I guess it doesn't bother me as much because they are friends, but people I don't know, being actually more concerned than a friend, which I know isn't the reality, friends will always care more than strangers, but that's what whoever made it feel like, I was like gaaahhh, damn! Haha.
And for the record, last night, WASTE OF A PHONE CALL... WASTE OF MY TIME! I hate when people have to be gay, or put things in a context where it's like oh wow, let me just look like an idiot say yes and go ever there... F that... I wanted to, but not under the context it was put... I think I ended up just feeling angry after that phone call anyway, like why the hell did I even bother, and sometimes I just wonder, why am I such an idiot sometimes... who knows... whatever, I don't know what to say, I was just like, I thought it would be cool to call, cuz my time was convenient to leave, this person wasn't doing anything besides laying there watching TV, so that makes another convenience, so for once, two conveniences, but then it doesn't work out, so damnit! Haha... I could say oh well I don't care, but obviously me sitting here writing and bitching about it shows I do care, for some strange reason, in some way, my dumbass cares, besides I wouldn't be angry or whatever if I didn't care... oh well, I don't really know what to say anymore... blah!
|
|
| SB Party YAY |
[07 Jul 2004|11:31pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Britney Spears - Everytime |
] |
This is from Em, I love this girl!
Em: are you coming to the softball partu?
Em: nothign you?
Me: If I am aloud to then I am for sure there
Me: It's at your house right?
Em: alright
Me: teusday from 4 to 7
Me: exciting, I hope I can go
Me: I love our team
Em: me 2
Em: especially nikki that girl the hot shit
Em: the bomb diggity hahahhaha
Em: scrath that i can tbeleeive i said that word
Em: but she is cool
Man, this girl cracks me up!
Alright, as far as the crazy dieting and what not, don't worry, cuz for the most part you wont have to read anything about it, I am going to just be posting them in different communities, so I wont have to worry anyone, and those entries get put somewhere with people going through the same things, so ya know.
As for today, I caught up all my sleep for sure, went to work at 4, came home, went to the gym (ran into Stac, haha, "giddy 14 year old girls" right lmao, that was certainly a nice little suprise I had there), went special grocery shopping, and not that I want to bitch, BUT they don't sell fucking Fiji water, Farmer Jack fucking asshole! Anyway, came home again, and now here I am, typing away at the LJ cuz that's what I always do, I am an absolute LJ-addict lol.
As for now, I should get in the shower soon, if things could go well for once, then sneaking out can be convenient for two people, and not just one of us, haha, so let's see how that goes.
Tomorrow morning, be ready by 6 to leave to work, bleh.
|
|
| SR @ 7 SM |
[06 Jul 2004|09:47pm] |
Got up at 5:30 today for work, YUCK, haha, I fell asleep at a point, it was funny, I woke up and we were back in the warehouse, I was like gahhh wtf! Who knows, I was going on about an hour and a half of sleep, and tired and fuck, and then to top it off I was starving, I had about 3/4's of a side salad when me and my Dad stopped on break, I debated against it, but then I was like shit, mine as well, besides can't really look suspicious ya know, so I ate some of it, that and my diet coke... I just ate a side salad from Senate and a piece of chicken, and of course the diet coke, GAAAHHH, shame on me, I know... that was ridiculous, I feel bad now, I think I was just conning myself into thinking I was hungry, cuz I actually like really wasn't, but I don't know... I guess we wil cut today as a free-bee.
Oh yes, and what I learned on the job from Roy... "H.A.B." which translates to HOE ASS BITCH!
The secret rendevous went down, 7 PM, Southland Mall, good times. It's funny cuz it was kind of akward. It's like I haven't been out of the house in forver, like I forgot how to hang out with people haha. Though, more like if I was going to hang out with my favoritest buddies, Southland Mall wouldn't exactly be top choice. Donnie and Bean bought me a card and wrote in it. I love them! <33 Casey asked me my favorties colors, I told her, then she said she is making me a friendship bracelet with my favorite colors for a gift, yay! I love my Casey! And of course the "Casey lovin'" haha. I so forgot to mention awhile ago how Brandon bought me that Fight Club poster, cuz I am a FIght Club addict, and I absolutely loved it! What can I say, I love my Brandon!
Me, Donnie, and Bean talked over our moving in together plans. It's gonna be hot. Brandon, don't forget the conditions, or there is no moving in for you mister! Well all must stick together and not fuck up, because that is what everyone expects of us, all of us, just the big fuck ups who can't do anything or make it on there own, well it's our time to prove them wrong, we can do it.
Mom fucked around acting like she knew I went out with friends, but we knew she didn't know, her claiming she got a phone call, yeah right, what the fuck ever, you didn't catch shit... Umm... nice try.
I guess that covers it for now... we are being forced once again to go to my sisters, ya know, one of those no explanations things, OH WAIT, there was one, she decided to clean the laundry room, which mind you was all her and my Dads shit anyway, and she goes in a snobbish attitude, "yeah, umm, since I all this, can you just come to Mandy's tonight, wihtout arguing, thanks" something along those lines, it's like no one asked you to clean the fucking thing, besides it was all your fucking junk anyway, so fuck that. Me and my bro are going to bring You Got Served over there so we can practice our secret handshake "AUWH!" haha, and work on our dance moves. Good thing I am in no mood to sneak out or be scandalous tonight or else I probably would have put up a fight and been like BIITCH PLEASE!
|
|
| Tomorrow's the Big Day! |
[05 Jul 2004|09:29pm] |
Today wasn't too bad. Went to the gym. Ate one can of tuna and a glass of diet coke, hooray for me lol. Did laundry. Did all the organization part of the invoices for the full years of 2002 and 2003 for my Dad, it took a couple hours, but hey, I will get paid for it tomorrow. Other than that I wrote, or should I say scriblled a few more things in my note book of songs/poems. Dad bought me a thesaurus and dictionary today cuz I wanted one, I wanted the thesaurus because it helps with with my writing, well helps me use a variety of words that all together makes the piece your writing better, and the dictionary just came along because it was next to the thesaurus so I was like ah, what the hell, why not, and snatched it up.
Tomorrow I have to be ready by 5:30 in the morning so I can head off to work with my Dad. Yeah, it's early, and the job kind of sucks, but it's cash, cash I need, so I'm doing it for now, besides it's also early and leaves the rest of my day, which is good for when I am ungrounded.
I am debating on either sticking with eating the one can of tuna, or just not eating anything at all... I might have to eat tomorrow, something other than the tuna plan because I will be out with my Dad, maybe he will just the "I'm not hungry" thing work and not make me eat, cuz if I don't eat tomorrow, I will just claim I ate at Olga's so my Mom will stay off my back about it. As for Wednesday, I might just not eat that day either, but who knows. I am still wondering if I work Wednesday yet, who knows. I might go to the gym Wednesday too, with Kim, so if she goes I go, but then again, Mom doesn't mind if I go by myself, so ya know.
Tomorrow is the big day, the big Secret Rendevous, I can't wait, I love all of you guys. I am looking sooo forward to seeing you guys! <33
|
|
| Secret Rendevous |
[05 Jul 2004|03:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nelly Flap - Your Wings |
] |
Man it's crazy how many I love you's and I miss you's I get from everybody, it's nice... Nice to know some people actually care lol. I can't wait to see everyone again. Starting point for this is Tuesday, secret rendevous going down, the main point were The Crew (Brandon, Casey, Donnie, Elyse), Bean, Ryan, Steph, I just told Sara cuz I have been wanting to see her for like ever, it's been like a year lol, G will be in Cedar Point so she wont be attending :( and also I must hit up Emily and tell her about it haha, I just left Stac a message so I will get her thoughts. For now I think that covers it, I doubt Sheila will be in town, so she is the only person I am leaving out... I miss you Sheila! This is great, it's just funny cuz every person in there besides Steph my Mom does not want me having anything to do with, funny how friends turn out that way, at least that tends to be the pattern with me. Anyone who wants to join, anyone at all, I am open for seeing anyone, as long as you want to see me, haha, leave a comment, or call me, and I will give you dibs. <33
How am I getting away with my scheme... here's the scoop... Mom told me to go out and go shopping and take my bro... Me and bro alllll alone, and my bro, my precious little Tony, never tells on me, we are like tight as shit, anyway she is letting ema nd him go alone, and MOm being preoccupied with my sister and my sisters baby, no way her or anyone else will go and spy or anything, she hasn't yet, and I doubt she woudl start now especially being so busy with my sister and the baby lol... so that is what is going down and how I plan on getting away with it. WOOP WOOP!
Alright I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but how the parents what me to be realistic and know that when I move out I can afford it, which they really don't have any idea how I am going to, which is all figured out anyway, but I told htem I would just live by myself then and not with Donnie so they would get off my back, but me, Donnie, and then when brandon turns 18, we are all going to do it and no one can stop us, but we already have our plan, and we will be just fine... but anyway, their estimate was $873, which I make it easier and just say $900, which is what I owe him, in cash by the end of the month. So far it's the fourth, and I already have close to $300, not bad at all, like $600 to go, but hopefully I can pull this shit off, cuz there is no way in hell I want to begin to give the ways in which we would save money and hadnle things to where we could afford things.
Tomorrow we are going to the cemetary to see my Grandpa, this 4th of July was the second year annivesary, which was wierd because I knew it was, but it didn't hit me as hard as it did last year, I think maybe cuz I still forget he's dead sometimes, I feel like he's still here, I dunno, maybe I am still in denial, I don't really know, but I just don't feel like he's gone.
Other than that, tomorrow, or should I say today (the 5th), I quit Mia and purging, and it's off to two weeks with Ana my love lol, or staying Ana til damn 20 pounds come off haha, so water, diet coke, and tuna, and that is it... I'm still trying to figure out how the hell to pull it off around my Mom, it's always difficult to pull of the throwing up and not eating in front of my Mom, cuz she notices every little thing you do, especially when it comes to food and eating, she does mega check ins on what you ate, so yeah I gotta figure out what we have and how to lie about it... I know tuna will get boring real quick, but since it's only 60 calories and no carbs, it's effective, so whatever works right... hunger hurts but starving works, and that's a fact... tomorrow is also gym day, so that should be exciting, it's exciting now, but let's see how it is when not eating catches up to me the second week, haha, this should be fun... NOT... oh well, do whatcha gotta do right?
If anything, I am totally fuckin' stoked about Tuesday and the Secret Rendevous, ohh man am I excited... anyone interested in joining the secret rendevous, just leave a comment or call me, and I will most def. give you the details!
I was thinking about Olga's Tuesday, and I was excited about that, then I thought fuck, I am not even aloud to eat it haha, DAMNIT!!
Goodnight kiddies... have a good one... and see some of you Tuesday! <33
|
|
| Destroyed |
[04 Jul 2004|01:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Motivated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Fiona Apple - The First Taste |
] |
Since I was up late yesterday and go tlike zero sleep the day before, my ass didn't even wake up til 4, I rolled off the couch about 4:30, bout damn time right.
I ate Taco Bell, chocolate ice cream, then purged. For the first tiem I threw up blood, and if that was't blood I don't know what the hell to tell you, but christ that has never happened, and I was like AHH, what the fuck, but I decided to finish my business anyway. I just got wierded out by it cuz it's not like I am a regular purger person to where your throat or whatever is that fucked up or whatever else blood can come from comes up, I don't know, I'm just confused about it I guess. I ate again later, I meant to throw up but forgot cuz we had already started the movie, and really there wasn't enough privacy to do it without getting caught, so I guess in the end I really couldn't. Damnit, all this talk about it, now that no one is downstairs and I should be heading to bed soon, I think I might just do it anyway. Yesterday I actually ate, other than the normal one meal a day plan I finally got myself to control on, which only sucked because then I lost nothing. See the two days before yesterday I stuck to the one meal a day plan thing, oh and with the first day purge, I forgot about that, and in the 2 days I lost 4 pounds, and got back to my "normal weight" if that is what you call it, you know the weight you got down to where you're at your best, well there, but yesterday I caiuht myself stuck there again, cuz why, I decided to actually eat yesterday... food, you fucking evil bastard, I hate you... Today was my sisters birthday, and since she threw her little bday friends party today, that means tomorrow is out family time thing, which means I have no idea what my ass will eat, if I eat bad, or shit if I eat anything that will make me get fatter, then I'm throwing up, if I could just eat like a hot dog, with no bun, and mustard, no carbs, and then drink diet coke, no calories or carbs, then I'll be set. Then the days after that I think I will go to the "tuna thing." No carbs and 60 calories a can, can't go wrong with that. Eat one or two cans a day, 60/120 cals a day, no way you can get fat, that and water and diet coke, I'll be set. If I stay on this, then I will quit the purging. I was watching Matchstick Men today, and he eats tuna and that's it, and it reminded em, shit I need to go on the "tuna diet," I putting parentheses on it since there is no such diet and my crazy ass invented such a thing lol. Monday I am going to the gym with Kim, which helps me along my way too. She goes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, the only day I am promised to is Monday, cuz I don't know if I work Wednesday or not yet, and Friday depending on work, I don't know either. Starting Monday, in one week, I want to lose 10, then a second week I should go for a second ten, so if I watch myself well enough, and keep a good mind set, then I can do it, so let's hope I don't fuck it up lol, shit better if I could get 20 off in less then two weeks... How bout this, let's just fucking knock off 20 as soon as I can, cuz that would be hot, yeah, let's try that, WOOP WOOP! Let's do it! :-D From there I will see what is left to work with and if I need to get rid of more, then I will work towards that, but til then, let's work with the first 20.
I finally got to see Secret Window... Johnny Depp, in the words of Sharla, total "screen rape" haha, but that is besides the point. The movie was great, except the fact someone ruined the whole main plot of the movie, which sucked ass, I would post what they said, but I am not going to destroy the movie like it was for me, cuz it's much better when you actually get to find out in the end what was goin' down through the movie. To whoever sees it, I hope you enjoy lol, and I hope no one tells you about what's going on, cuz it just ruins it.
Sometimes I think I am nuts, I can look at just about anything and get "inspired" to write something. I take what I look at and get an idea to compare it with something that relates to something that probably shouldn't even make any sense at all, not to a normal person anyway. I do it all the time, and today I was laying on a bed watching a fan spin, following the blades round and round, and then watching the shadows of the fan, then the blades again, and the whole time as it spinned I could only think of others things that related to it, I had my bro toss me a pen and started scribbling random things on my hand to use when I write something later, with this, instead of a song that I normally start to write, cuz I still have none of those finished, but this time a poem, a short and simple one... how the hell that comes from watching a damn fan spin, I have no idea, I think I have hit insanity lol.
|
|
| Tired |
[03 Jul 2004|02:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
I applied and stuff for college the other day, the assessment test or whatever was wierd, normally I ace math and fail the English parts, but it was backwards, but the math was Algebra which I had Mr. F for, therfore I didn't learn anything cuz he is a terrible teacher, for the reading part, I aced it, so I don't have to take any classes to do with that, and for the other part, writing I believe, I aced that too, something about whatever I got is equivelent to that of college English or something, so cool lol, she said it should be mega easy for me though because of how I did on the test, so that's cool... I got my classes set up and stuff so that's cool. I wanted the dance aerobic class for my phys. ed I have to take, but it doesn't fit in my schedule cuz I have to be done with everything by 12 everyday because of softball... damn lol.
They gave my phone back yesterday, which is exciting, cuz I like die without my phone.
Brandon, I hope you know that I am lost without you, and you know how much I love you, you're the BEST best friend I could ever ask for. Your absolutely amazing. Never change because you are already perfect.
Today I worked a shit load. First I got up around 7:20 to go with my Dad, we were on the road, and about 8:45 is when we started working then 5 we got home... then got up at 7:20 again, but this time in the PM lol, and went to work again. The only thing har dabout today was that combined sleeping hours with the nap included, were about 3, so it blew mega ass, and now I am super fucking tired.
I hate how every time I can leave and sneak out, it can never work out cuz either Mom takes both sets of my keys to my car (like she did yesterday) or certain someone's phone is off or something, it's like ahhh... everytime though, when my Mom leaves to my sisters for the night, something always happens and ruins what I had planned... damn...
Anyway, I have people to attend to now, and I am too tired to think of what the hell to write, this entry is boring as shit... so peace.
|
|
| Kill Me |
[01 Jul 2004|12:26am] |
|
If any day came to say I really wanted to die, this would be it, I only have a half an hour to write, so I can brief my day quick.
Got up, checked out that job, I knew you had to be 18, so shit out of luck. Then applied for college. Went out to eat. Talked to the damn councelor which made my day shitty right from there, fucking hell, I never want to go back, she liek stared at me and was all bitchy, for the most part I stared at my phone that was in my lap and dug at my wrist with my nail, which is wierd cuz I never did before, so what the hell right? Came home, purged since I didn't have time before I left. Work. Midway batting cages.
Now where all the fighting began was because I was talking to DOnnie on the phone, fucking hell trip over here, and I can't begin to even tell you how sick I am of having the same damn fight about who my friends are, she doesn't want me around DOnnie, Raild, or The Crew, and she means that as the finale of it all... all the people who mean the world to me, and who I absolutely fall apart without, are now banned from me for good, somebody just kill me now, seriously, I seriously am nothing now, without them I am no one, because they are a huge part of me, I really can't take this, I really just want to die.
Tons of shit has to change, well me I have to change, they are all pissy about the fact I am moving in with DOnnie and I say there is nothing they can do about it. They are making me start to pay my own shit now, car, phone, and God knows what else, I don't know if rent was included in that, but whatever, they want to prepare me or whatever, and funny the second job I am getting was to save up for the place me and DOnnie are getting, and now that is completely fucked, whatever, in the real world when I move out, I am willing to do what it takes and make every goddamned sacrafice I have to to make it on my own without their help, to do that it really doesn't take much money... they're "estimate" is fucking ridiculous, the food bill cracks me up more than anything, if they knew any problems in the past or that will come in the present with me and my fucking eating disorders, they would understand I don't need to buy food that fucking often...
Damn this story is long and I was given a half an hour to do an entry, normally I take like an hour minimum, so I guess this is all for now, I wish I could sit and write in detail about everything that happened, and everything that I feel right now, ugh it's fucking madness and I can't wait to get out of this shit hole, me and Donnie will make it just fine on her own, and I can't wait til they see that happen, because it will, and we will see to it, we aren't some stupid fuck ups, I know Donnnie better than they do and I know we are gonna make it just fine, he has changed, all for the better, and thety don't know him and what he is like to a friend these days to understand why we would move in together, but I already told them I don't expect them to understand, because they never will anyway, but either way, we have our plan and we will do it, we will make it on our own.
Today has to be the worst day of my life, my world day by day crumbles to shit, but luckily, day by day, it's always a day closer to 18, the day I'm gone.
How dare they fucking blame my unhapiness on my friends, that they drag me down, etc etc, what a bunch of fucking shit, I am dragged down and the miserable unhapy person I am because this household makes me feel this way, so it would be nice if they stopped shifting the fucking blame, it makes me fucking sick to my stomache.
I wish today I would just die, I can't even put into words how I feel, mroe shit than ever, let's just end this entry by saying... PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD AND PAINT THE WALLS WITH MY BRAINS!
|
|
| Mia My Love |
[29 Jun 2004|11:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Binge and Purge |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Channel 4 News This Shits Gonna Be Crazy! |
] |
Being home is bad enough, but even worse, eating habits are fucking terrible, it's like I'm on a constant fucking binge, I hate it, and I refuse to get fucking fatter, so if this binging keeps up, it's binge and purge time, otherwise it's just straight up "Mia diet" again, I would just stick with the whole "Ana diet" but with this binging problem lately, I can't go back to how I used to just be able to not eat for days, I tried and I end up eating everything, so I know I said I wouldn't go pack to throwing up, but I don't care, I'm going back because I am not going to gain anything, fuck that. This became a plan for good about 10 minutes ago, I've been thinking about it on and off for days, and now it's final, I'm going back.
11 o'clock channel 4 news, time to watch the news on a warrant out for someone I knows arrest... this kid man, he has terrible fucking luck with everything.
After the news, I just ate a shit load of cookies and shit, so only one thing left for me to do...
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
